As you may know, I gained thirty pounds over the summer… sigh… BUT I have since taken about half of that back off. Still, I’m so sick and tired of dealing with weight and being fat and up and down cycle of feeling comfortable with my body and hating it. It’s time for a change, a real permanent solution to weight and body image and that solution comes from inside.
This entire site is about living authentically because I believe that when we wade through all the lies and conditioning of society and find our true forms, we will be happier and able to function brilliantly. Why would the same not be true here with weight loss?
There is no diet, exercise fad, trick, pill, surgery or gimmick that will fix my weight problem, because the problem is inside my own head. For me, it’s a deep seated belief I developed as
a teenager in a house where we had no food to eat much of the time, it is a belief that states I am not worth feeding. It is a message compounded with the martyr mom syndrome that says I don't have time to eat I have kids to take care of. I use food as a weapon and a punishment for when I feel I have failed in life, I either don't eat, or I eat in one sitting enough fat and calories to last a week. That statement, 97% of women will be unkind to their bodies today... that astounds me and yet, I'm downright vicious to mine. (A story you can read about at the bottom of this page)
I'm done people. I'm done being cruel to myself and I'm done letting other people make me feel unworthy of love and respect, a feeling I work out through battery to my body.
I have long believed that all I needed to do to lose weight was be intentional and focus on it. Every time I do that, it doesn’t matter what diet or exercise program I adopt, I lose weight. I usually even keep it off. The problem comes in that my focus is short lived as life is like a wild river and it’s always sending me this way and that and the amount of focus weight loss requires for me nearly insists I stop everything else in my life and make food and exercise a full time job. That’s just not practical. I can’t put everything else in my life on the back burner for a year while I take off this weight… I’d like to, I've thought about it, but I can’t.
What I’m starting to see though is that “weight loss” shouldn’t even be a focus in my life. If I were living my life in a healthy, authentic fashion, I wouldn’t be overweight. So it stands to reason that if I live in a healthy authentic fashion, the weight will not be able to stay on my body, very much like the ice on the beach analogy of earlier.
I maintain that my body will not hold its overweight form if I am living authentically and intuitively. If I listen to my own body about what it needs, I’ll fuel it properly. However the minute I allow food to become a weapon or an unconscious symptom of my emotions, the minute I allow exercise to become “work” then I am now living in a false environment that supports the eighty extra pounds I’m wearing.
Now that’s not to say I can’t ever celebrate anything with food, or I can’t simply have a cupcake for the simple joy in that icing! :D It simply means I need to treat my body with the love and respect I’d treat someone else. My body has legitimate fueling needs that I ignore constantly. I abuse my body in a vicious way that I would never treat another living soul. In meditation recently I was crying because I hadn’t eaten anything for three days and I gained three pounds! My guides comforted me and asked, “Really?”
They knew that I knew better, but it was like I thought if I expended some will power maybe I could lose a couple pounds, yes I do get that desperate at times. The sad fact is, when you are fat, you have at least one moment every day, when you wish you weren't, where you wonder what's wrong with you, when you hate yourself for letting it get this bad. I don't care if you have 20 pounds to lose or more than a hundred, we all feel the same about the weight deep down inside. We try to make it okay, we spout things like I just have a weak metabolism, or I'm heavy set, or I'm comfortable with my body so it doesn't matter, but deep down, I believe it does matter. I believe our bodies are crying out for a reprieve, for some respect and I believe if we gave it some, it would respond beautifully.
Here’s the lie… fat people have no will power. .
I have more will power than most people on this planet! I just misuse it when it comes to weight. My thinking is that by sticking to some arbitrary eating plan, I’ll take off pounds when in truth, if I apply that will power to authenticity in my life, the weight then becomes a casualty of that life state and it goes away on its own, without starvation, without pain, without cruelty.
My intention and focus has been put in the wrong place. I’ve been focusing on the food, on my body, on calorie and fat content as I’ve been taught to do, when in truth, as with everything in life, the answers are within me. If I listen to my body, if I keep it hydrated, if I get proper rest, if I fuel it so it can function the way it is designed to function, I don’t have a weight problem… period.
I do not believe for myself that an authentic Samantha weighs over 200 pounds. If I do this, and am proven wrong by that, I’ll let you know. In the meantime however, I am going forward working out this hypothesis. I am going to stop making food the enemy and diets my friend. I am going to focus my willpower on loving myself and my body. I am going to focus my thoughts, not on "I need to lose weight", but on how invigorated I feel and how excited I am that my body is healthy. I am going to change my mind, change my patterns, and let that change my body.
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