What's True Will Always Be

Weight... what hasn't been said already?

If you've been following me any amount of time, you probably already know a lot of my weight story. I've been overweight almost all of my adult life, but have felt overweight as long as I can remember.

Weight isn't simple. It's not just, oh cut out the cookies fatty. I gained almost every pound by not eating, sometimes for days, then binging on cheeseburgers and pizza. It's not a self control issue, it's a self hate issue.

I have lifelong food guilt from being hungry so much as a kid. I've had to do a ton of internal work for this weight release to start happening. All that being said, if anyone has even looked briefly at what we've done to our food supply, and how most of us obtain food and how we live our lives, of course we're all over weight!

Most of us simply don't have a life that supports being healthy. However, I am reminded of a quote I read once,
"Just because you aren't sick, doesn't mean your healthy." It's true. Also, just because you're over weight doesn't mean your not healthy. Health is a totally different issue than weight. I've been in far better shape than most of my friends even when I was at my highest weight of over 300 pounds.

At the end of the day, what matters most is health, health in all areas and for me, my weight was an outward sign of internal imbalances in my emotional life and a direct sign of how much I hated myself.

This is my time for this journey though because I don't hate myself anymore. I have discovered truth and love and I'll be sharing that and what comes now because I know when I share my life, it makes a difference.

What you need to know about me though is I'm not about "weight loss". I don't get hung up in traditional wisdom, what other people think, labels, good foods and bad foods, science or the diet industry. I believe in authenticity, in all things, even this. I believe in finding your food truth and letting it live. I believe food and weight is the same as anything else, your truth is inside you, you just have to learn to hear it.

My guides once told me that if I was living my truth with food, I wouldn't be able to maintain the extra weight, because being over weight wasn't my truth.

That stuck with me and resonated so deep.

I'm finally starting to live that, but I won't lie, it's been a lot of work from there to here. I don't mind hard work though, especially when it's productive!

For five years now my guides have told me to work on two things - weight and writing.

For five years, I did... half heartedly.

I wrote four books and my weight changed... um not at all.

Well not at all in the past three and a half years. I did take some off originally, but then just hit this standstill and no matter what I ate or didn't, if I exercised or didn't, weight circled the same ten pounds. 

I look at these pictures now and I want to cry. I was in so much internal pain, but I didn't love myself enough to care. In fact, I believed I deserved it. That's the insidious thing about weight. More often than not, it's self punishment.

About two years ago, I started doing internal work, finding all the weird belief patterns I had regarding food.

And I had a lot of weird food stuff!

I picked through it all though and in late August, weight all of a sudden started to shift. I hadn't done anything particularly different from an internal perspective. I wasn't dieting, wasn't intentionally exercising, but I had released enough of my wonky beliefs that I was enjoying food. I was drawn primarily towards vegetarian changes something I'd wanted since I was about ten years old.

Being vegetarian was like coming home. It was like fish in water for me. No I don't think everyone on the planet should be vegetarian. I think everyone on the planet needs to find and live their own truth, for me, it seems to be being mostly vegetarian and I love that. I've been diving in finding all kinds of great new recipes and learning to cook all over again. I'm sharing a lot of that part of the journey exclusively on Patreon, recipes and food experiences, so if that interests you, make sure to check that out over there.

One day I stepped on the scale and I was down six pounds.

Now some people may have taken that to encourage them to "diet" I didn't. I was very careful not to fall back into old patterns and let's be honest, "dieting" was an old pattern. I took the loss as encouragement to continue doing exactly what I was... nothing. Nothing but living my truth.

I've since lost 19 pounds... doing nothing. The last three weeks I've been working on a lot with fiction and making some hard choices about what I have bandwidth for and what I don't and I noticed food slipping back to old patterns. I was eating a lot of fast food, because it's easy... today I stepped on the scale, and I've gained back nothing. In fact I was down just a little from where I was last time.

I don't get maniacal about the scale. I don't use it as a weapon against myself, but it's a tool, like looking at your bank balance, it's important to be honest with where you are. For me, this morning's finding that, while even being on auto pilot the last few weeks, I didn't gain any weight back, was even more proof that this is my time. I've done the work and my body is responding.

Now don't get me wrong, because I'm still eating differently. I don't "crave" fast food, but I also have stopped vilifying it. I don't like it to be honest and so I'm not eating as much of it even when I do get some. Before there was an addictive quality to it and guilt made me binge. Like this sense of what I'm doing is wrong, so I better get as much as I can, because after this I can never eat it again.

Now it's more, ugh, this again. lol. I eat what I need to fuel my body, knowing it's not a pure  fuel source by any stretch of the imagination and I crave getting something worthy into my body.

That's an internal shift.

I don't like soda very much anymore. I love my soda water with lime and vanilla.

Another internal shift that came from love.

Self love is a big topic in the spiritual realm, but we all seem to miss how that connects to our physical bodies. I want to start a shift that encompasses that.

You are beautiful inside and out and taking care of the precious vessel that houses your mind and your soul is the most basic, sacred act of self love.

I'll be talking about this a lot on Patreon, often on a daily basis, but here on the blog too about once a week.

I believe in making these changes, for myself, but I believe these kinds of inner changes benefit all of us. I also believe we need to stop teaching our children to self loath, to be so hyper critical of their bodies. How can we though when we feel it too?

This is a life altering change, but it's inner work that will bring that change bubbling to the surface.

I will probably never step foot inside another gym, yet I am much more active now than I ever have been. I'm out at Disney walking about five miles most days, I swim and do yoga. I walk everywhere because I don't own a car. I go dancing whenever I get the chance.

All that's because I want to, not because I'm trying to lose weight.

That's why I believe this is finally it for me. I'm not muscling through this. I'm not "determined to lose the weight". As my guides put it, my body is normalizing. It's returning to it's truth and all I have to do, is maintain the internal balance which isn't necessarily easy, but it's not any harder than dieting and keeping my emotional and spiritual well being on track is kind of just how I live my life anyway.

So my guides encouragement of the past five years, writing and weight, it's on the front burner now and the current main focus of my life.

To release the past fails in these areas, I've changed the wording to Food, Fitness & Fiction as you can see on this blog. All in all, it's a journey home to my truth. The body I'm meant to live in, and the stories I'm meant to tell.

This blog, Patreon, and my website will share this journey as I lose about half my current body weight and become a household name with my fiction.

Why do I think I can do it now after all the past fails?

Because this time...

In weight, I did the internal work and weight has begun to leave all on its own. My relationship to food and fitness is just different. My head is different. I'm different.

As for fiction, I think this year I've continually set my intention to be an author again and slowly my path has wound back. I came home to Disney this year and added that to my stories, and blended it with my twin flame story. What I'm writing now is a culmination of who I am and the journey I took. And I believe this is my time.

So here we go, just getting started again, and this time, miracles are already happening.

Honestly, this is perfection in the making.